Generally I have a dislike of organized religion, but I still like to be exposed to the philosophies they are built around. So, on Sunday Saltina and I went to see the great Buddhist master Khenpo Tsultrim Gyamtso Rinpoche. He was offering a meditation session and workshop based on his latest book. We both hoped it would be an enlightening experience. However, I think you have to be in a frame of mind that is open to enlightenment before you can receive it, and I don’t think Saltina or I ever got there. When we approached the registration table the lady looked up truly dumb-founded to see the two of us standing before her, rough from the night before, me with my Liquor logo baseball hat turned backwards. I got the sense we were going to be a bit out-of-place. It was when Saltina looked at me and said, “We’d better get inside quick, before all the greedy Buddhists get the good pillows” that I was certain we didn’t quite fit.

Don’t get me wrong we were both quiet and well-behaved during the actual event. But I’m not saying it was easy. Much of the beginning mediation was done through song, which actually I found myself enjoying, despite that fact that both of us were certain the tune was being made up on the spot by the interpreter. At one point Saltina also pointed out that ‘the Nun’ up front (female monk-practitioner? monk-ess? monk-ette?) was wearing curtains. Actually, I think she really was. Finally, when Rinpoche spoke, he sounded a lot like Jabba the Hutt. For a minute I wondered if he was actually mocking us in return.
“Dunp lonlhh non plup nom dom frump.” [Funny all these crazy Americans paid money for this.]
“Mumfph plu dong maai pop fru dom, nom dom.” [The chick in the back smells of vodka, and her friend keeps farting.]

The only thing that might possibly save us from an eternity burning in the hell-fires promised by Christian mythology is the fact that we have now placed our undying souls at the displeasure of the Buddhists as well. We will most likely be reincarnated forever as Mockingbirds. I’m sure Saltina would gleefully enjoy all the pooping on things. Hmmm…come to think of it, so would I.