This photo reminds me of the poem The Kama Sutra of Kindess, Position No 2 by Mary Mackey, the last 6 lines of which are:

the lake is cold
the snows are sudden
the wild cherry bends
and winter’s a burden

in your hand I feel
spring burn in the bud.

10 Aug - Negombo - Relax/Sleep
11 Aug - Sigiriya - Visit the Dambulla Cave Temples on route. Climb the Sigiriya Rock Fortress at sundown.
12 Aug - Visit to the ancient citadel of Polonnaruwa. Evening game drive to the Minneriya National Park to spot elephants and to witness a sunset.
13 Aug - Kandy - Visit the Aluwihare Rock Paintings on route. Evening at leisure in Kandy. Perhaps watch the Perahera.
14 August - Visit to the Royal Botanical Gardens. Visit the Kandy museum, street markets and the garrison cemetery. Visit to the Temple of the Tooth.
15 Aug - Galle - Meet Sara and Anit. (The couple whose wedding I’m attending)
16 Aug - Visit to the historic Galle Fort. High tea and cakes to celebrate Amara’s first birthday
17 Aug - Get ready for the wedding ceremony. Wedding of Sara and Anit.
18 Aug - Colombo - Last minute shopping and sightseeing in Colombo.

I recall in my youth feeling “more natural” in my longing for boys. Not because I wanted them, but because the longing itself was more accepted. I knew who I wanted at a fairly young age, but that couldn’t matter. It took many years before I was honest IN my longing and many more before I became honest ABOUT my longing. Still, there are times today when I avoid pronouns; I skip the truth if it’s inconvenient or if it just makes the superficial social situation easier. I’m not a crusader, but I’m also not shy. I am comfortable in myself about who I am. It all just makes me a bit more guarded than I would like to be.

For instance, I would never walk into a job interview and say, “My partner and I moved here and so I’m looking for a job.” However, I would never hesitate to say, “My husband and I moved here and so I’m looking for a job.” I tend toward, “I moved here for family reasons and now I’m looking for a job.”

It may seem minor but it is mental energy to have to do this for very long or to do this very often. I think learning these “linguistic tricks” has ultimately altered the way I speak about much of my personal life even when I’m among friend s or “like-minded” people. Sometimes this is an advantage, but sometimes it just created barriers.

So, there are still patches, problems, things I’d rather not think about….but I do…I have too. I wish I had a choice. A choice would’ve been easy. A choice would’ve been made a long time ago.

I am me, and I choose my words carefully.

I’ve had a myriad phantom visions floating weightless in me for years, but in an instant I felt a force like gravity quickly pull them to where they now rest, silent and gentle in my breast. I have often wondered if the images in my mind were memories or dreams. I could trace the faint outline of events, but time and uncertainty always seemed to quickly erase them. As I stood in front of my relative’s house, breathing the sweet, autumn mountain air, I was able to look through my windows in time more clearly than ever. Some of the dust had been wiped away, and although the broken edges still remained, many of the lines that I once thought were cracks had disappeared. As I walked through the yard I could hear the laughter of children, their shouts, their taunts and their giggles. I could see them huddled around the tree where we hid away from the adults, to play with matches. I followed their footsteps as they adventured in the barn, climbing, jumping and discovering. And I could see their faces faintly smiling behind the glass panes of the playhouse. Yes, it was true. The place of my early youth really did exist, and I could see my once uncertain memories play out like living ghosts before my eyes.

I wonder if the 1974 hauself could have seen the ghost of the 2004 hauself standing in the yard? Nah, it looked like she was too busy running and playing to stop and notice something as mundane as the faint outline of a young woman with tear-filled eyes, standing off to the side of the yard, smiling.

—————-
Proust be proud. I sit here enjoying being solidly in my chair remembering myself remembering myself, and once again feeling transported. Someday in the future I will re-read this and remember writing it. Ha! Excellent.

—————-

May he rest in peace.

Diagnosis: I am old

It doesn’t help that every restaurant in SmallTown(tm) MT serves an extra side of Ranch Dressing and Shame with every plate they deliver. I literally heard this earlier tonight:

man picking up delivery order: did you remember the salsa and ranch
waitress: yes
man: can i get some extra ranch

[me: head in hand, feeling sorry for humanity]

So lately I’ve been going back through the years (and missing years) of posts I’ve made here and I liked it so much I think I shall give it another go.

C and I are truly loving our time in MT, weather and all. And especially now as the summer approaches. C is traveling a lot for yoga and I’m planning a 10 day trip to Sri Lanka in August. But that’s not the big news…

We are moving to England for a year starting January 2014. After speaking with an immigration adviser we found that with C’s dual citizenship and England’s now 10 year old recognition of same sex civil unions (USA FTW! right?) I can enter, work and be covered by NHS on day one. We are targeting an area near Brighton about 1.5 hours from London.

Of course more details to follow as things shape up.

Oh…and just possibly more inane ramblings (and typos and grammar errors) of one who hopes to still occasionally come with intrinsic entertainment value.

In order for us to do this, we have decided to move to Montana for the next couple of years. After C’s last yoga trip to the UK in late May we started to discuss plans to achieve this goal. Since then things have moved very quickly for us. This week we finalized a contract on our house, C gave notice at her job and we have a tentative move date of August 10.

I already look forward to my future Dallas visits as well as opening my Montana door to any wayward travelers.

“Are you not ashamed that you give your attention to acquiring as much money as possible, and…give no attention or thought to truth and understanding and the perfection of your soul?”

Plato, “Socrates’ Defense” , Apology

I have this constructed narrative in which over the years I have evolved and changed, when the truth is that I just continue to be myself. And I like that.